


I'm a little bit lost without you.

by Chychyd



Category: Saturday Night Live
Genre: ALMOST Character Death, Angst with a Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Memories, Overdosing, Sad imagery, Semi-Sad Fic, Stefon really really loves Seth omg, and Seth really loves Stefon too it's sickening really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 06:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14665554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chychyd/pseuds/Chychyd
Summary: Stefon faded in and out of consciousness as he let the memories take him out, but the waves of nausea and erratic heart rhythm kept bringing him back. He closed his eyes tight and tried to focus on another memory. Something that would take him away from the cold floor and the cold room and the cold sweat.Even in his last moments of life, Stefon only wanted to think of one thing. Seth Meyers.





	I'm a little bit lost without you.

Stefon had heard once, maybe twice - or maybe a hundred or so times in different theories and thesis’- that in your last moments of life you relive your entire existence from start to finish. Stefon had really never believed that, truly; but he figured that reminiscing on the Shakespearean tragedy that was the life of Stefon Zolesky would occupy his mind for now. He could stop focusing on how cold and numb his limbs were, too numb to reach for his phone. Or how slow his heartbeat had become. 

 

He felt like a human water faucet. That thing where his heartbeat matched the rhythm of a slowly leaking faucet after the shower was turned off. Eventually the  _ drip  _ _ drip  _ _ drip  _  would stop. 

 

Stefon was many things as a child. A loser, a brother, a prodigy, a bastard. But if there was anything Stefon knew for sure he was, it was himself. That was all he had ever wanted to be. But unfortunately, Stefon was not born with the talent of being positively himself. It took a couple of years for him to figure it out. It took his family even longer. Some people still don’t get that Stefon is just Stefon and that is how he was always going to be. There were few people who understood that. One of those few being Mr. Seth Meyers.

 

Thinking back on it now, not much seemed to matter in life to Stefon until he met Seth Meyers.

 

It was 2008; he had been in the 30Rock building with his brother, David. Stefon remembered the day as a blur of elevator doors opening and closing and meetings in office rooms that had to have been a hundred degrees, at least.

 

Stefon had manage to find his way to the roof, in desperate need of air and a cigarette. The meeting hadn’t went well, he could tell. He didn’t remember a lot of it, just how hot the room was and the way David pushed passed him in the hallway when it was over. Stefon leaned against the wall, still trying to catch his breath. He fumbled in his pockets, his shaky hands barely useful, and cursed to himself as he reached the bottom of his pockets and realized he didn’t have a lighter.

 

“Need a light?” A voice asked from the other side of the roof. It startled Stefon enough for him to drop the cigarette from between his lips. 

 

“Uh, y-yeah.” He stuttered as he reached down to pick the cigarette back up. He saw the man hop off the AC unit and make his way towards Stefon.

 

“For a second I thought I’d get away with no one finding out I come up here to smoke. I’m supposed to be quitting.” Stefon met the man's eyes as he reached for the lighter. His heart dropped into his stomach.

 

It was Seth goddamn Meyers.

 

“It’s a hell of a thing.” Stefon mumbled through the cigarette, instant relief flooding over him has he inhaled the nicotine-filled smoke. “Thanks.” He handed the lighter back.

 

“I’m Seth.” He reached his hand out. “Meyers.” 

 

Stefon smirked around his cigarette, trying to play it cool in front of one of the most gorgeous men he had ever seen in his life. “I know who you are.” Stefon shook Seth’s hand awkwardly. “I’m Stefon.”

 

That was slow beginning that would spark a light in Stefon. Seth Meyers and Stefon didn’t see each other often, but their paths would cross every so often while Lorne and David worked together to produce the boring movie David had pitched. No one really cared about what Stefon had suggested, but Stefon had co-written the script, so David always tried to include him when they were in the studio.

 

It wasn’t until 2010, after the movie had come out -not a failure, not a huge success either- that Stefon had gotten a call from studio 8H. It was Lorne Michaels’ assistant, telling Stefon they were looking for a City Correspondent for one of Seth Meyers Weekend Update segments and Seth himself had recommended Stefon  _ personally  _ for the part.

 

“A City Correspondent? But I-”

 

“Mr. Michaels would like you to come in for a table read on Wednesday if you’re interested.”

 

Stefon thought for a moment. “Will Seth Meyers be there?” He asked quietly, like it was a secret.

 

“He should be. It is for his Weekend Update segment.”

 

“Of course!” Stefon pulled at his sleeves nervously. “Um, yeah. I’ll be there. Thank you.”

 

That was the first time in two years that Stefon had felt like he was apart of something. David had went off to direct movies on his own, leaving Stefon alone in the big city. Stefon did some writing for various places that needed an extra hand, but more often than not, no one was looking for wild stories of underground raves or an in-depth analysis of LGBT history. Stefon spent most of his days as a PA for various productions, writing on his off days, and partying every single chance he got. But excitement had ran through his veins as he thought about being on camera with Seth Meyers.

 

Stefon faded in and out of consciousness as he let the memories take him out, but the waves of nausea and erratic heart rhythm kept bringing him back. He groaned as the room spun and he tasted something foul in his mouth. Could be bile, could be blood, he wasn’t sure. He closed his eyes tight and tried to focus on another memory. Something that would take him away from the cold floor and the cold room and the cold sweat.

 

He thought of somewhere warm. Somewhere sunny. It wasn’t familiar. But Seth was there and that was all the familiarity he needed. It was morning, Stefon remembered. The birds chirped while he tiredly kicked mulch around. It was a park. Seth was talking, but it felt distant, like a hum; a white noise in the background. Stefon stared at the ground, watching ants in a line, marching off to somewhere he couldn’t follow. The sun was hot on his back. He rubbed his thumb against the rusty chain of the swing he was seated on. Seth was still talking, aimlessly he’s sure. Not expecting a response from Stefon, just speaking to speak. It was what Seth did best. He told stories. He could speak to an entire audience like it was a one on one conversation and he could talk to a person like they were an entire audience. Stefon breathed in fresh, smogless air. Trees rustled in the breeze and birds chirped and kids laughed in the distance. But there was no loud honking. No distant construction. No incoherent ramble of 8 million people shoved into one city. He wasn’t home. But Seth Meyers was sitting next to him on this warm day at some random park where Stefon had no idea where he was and was telling a story that Stefon wasn’t really listening to and it was morning for gods sake. But Stefon hadn’t felt this at home since his brother had left. Stefon hadn’t felt at home in his own home in the city he loved the most but he felt so at home just being in the presence of Seth Meyers that he honestly couldn’t tell in that moment if he was awake or dreaming. If he was dead or alive. 

 

But as Stefon, now cold and alone on the kitchen floor thought back to it, it was the most alive he had ever felt.

 

Stefon tried to breath in the warm air was but only met by a pain in his throat and a burn in his chest. He let himself slump over onto the floor, now unable to keep himself up. His clammy skin stuck to the cold floor and his body shivered relentlessly. The spots that flashed in front of his eyes took him into a memory of a dark room, lights randomly illuminating the crowds of people.

 

He recalled the night like a series of photographs, but the crowd moved like a picture book, flipped just slowly enough to see the gaps between the pages. Each photograph-like memory was beautiful. The way the lights casted shadows on all the edges of Seth’s face. The way Seth smiled behind his drink. The way Seth stuck his tongue out as he allowed Stefon to place a colorful little tab on it. The way he could see the music vibrate off the walls. The way Seth was pressed against him.

 

Stefon’s chest felt so tight as he forced himself into another memory. Weekend Update.  _ “Oh, kiss me, I’m Irish.” “If you insist.” _ Warm lips against his. The cheer of the crowd.  _ Warm warm warm warm warm _ . It was so hot in that studio. Seth kissed him in his office that night? Maybe he made that part up.. But he could almost remember the way Seth’s fingers dug into his waist, the way Seth’s hair felt in his fingers.  Seth smile. It was warm too.

 

They were suddenly in the middle of Central Park. It was cold but his hand was warm. He had Seth’s hand. There was yelling. Stefon’s back hurt like he fell. Did he fall? Then they were walking fast until Seth stopped and was talking to him.  _ I’m sorry. I’m sorry? I’m sorry. I couldn’t let him say that to you. Are you okay? Are you okay?  _ They were in the museum, now. Still hand in hand. Stefon liked the planets. Seth liked the dinosaurs. It was warm in that museum.

 

Stefon no longer felt cold, to his relief. He never felt cold when he was with Seth. Seth was always warm. He was always warm when he was with with Seth. So warm and happy and.. loved. His hands were warm and his face was warm and his heart was warm when he was with Seth Meyers. He loved Seth Meyers. He needed Seth Meyers to come make him warm again because right now he wasn’t feeling anything. He tried to reach for his phone again, but wasn’t strong enough to lift his arm. Stefon felt like he was sinking into the floor.

 

As his vision faded out, he thought to himself that he really loved Seth Meyers. As the rest of his limbs went numb, he realized he was in love with Seth Meyers. His last conscious thought was how how horribly ironic the universe was. This whole time he was in love with Seth Meyers and didn’t even know it.

 

-

Stefon tried to open his eyes but the light was far too bright. He squeezed them tight and tried to swallow but winced at the pain in his throat. His mouth tasted like dirt and vomit. His head hurt and that light was so damn bright it just made it worse. He took a deep breath and noted the way it felt like a horse had kicked him in his chest. He was about to reach up to touch his chest before realizing something warm was wrapped around his hand. He slowfully pried his eyes open to find a sleeping Seth Meyers holding his hand with his head rested on the edge of the bed. The hospital bed.

 

Fuck.

 

He was in the hospital.

 

“Seth?” He croaked out, his throat in too much pain to get ‘Meyers’ out. Seth’s head snapped up, blinking quickly before giving Stefon the best impression of a puppy he’d ever seen.

 

“You’re awake.” Seth breathed, tightening his grip on Stefon’s hand. He could feel Seth shaking. “You’re okay.” His voice cracked on the last word, tears escaping his eyes.

 

Stefon used his free hand, as heavy as it felt, to reach over a wipe the warm tears from Seth’s face. He noticed how red the older man’s eyes already were, which means this wasn’t the first time he cried over Stefon.

 

Stefon’s heart broke. He never wanted to make Seth Meyers cry.

 

Seth closed his eyes and put his hand over Stefon’s, holding it to his face. “I thought you died.” He whispered. More tears began to fall more freely. “I thought you went and died on me, Stefon.” He sniffled.

 

Stefon tried to speak, but the dry pain in his throat was too much. He pointed to a cup sitting on the table by the bed instead. Seth noticed and put a straw to his lips. Stefon took tiny sips of the cold liquid, the pain in his throat began to subside. “I’m so sorry, Seth Meyers. Please don’t cry.”

 

Seth closed his eyes and took deep, shaky breaths. He still held Stefon’s hand against his face, almost like an anchor. “I want to be so mad at you. I want yell at you and ask you what the hell you thought you were thinking.” Stefon closed his eyes, trying to regain some memory of what happened. “But I can’t. I thought I lost you. Your heart stopped beating, Stefon. But you’re here.  You’re okay. You’re okay.” Seth kept repeating it. Chanting it lightly, more to himself than to Stefon. “You can’t do this to me again. I love you too much. Please promise me you won’t do this again.” Stefon’s stomach flipped. 

 

He still didn’t know what he had done in the first place to end up here but Seth was begging him with tears streaming down his face and telling Stefon that he loved him. He nodded his painfully stiff neck, “Yes. I promise. I love you, Seth Meyers.” Seth reached over Stefon and pulled him into his best attempt at a hug. It was really just Seth lying on top of Stefon’s chest. Stefon ignored the pain of his chest and instead immersed himself in the warmth radiating off of Seth, who was still shaking. Stefon held him, one hand on his back, the other running thought his hair. He noticed the IV running from his hand up into a clear bag. “What happened to me? How’d you find me?”

 

Seth sniffled, breathing Stefon in before retracting himself from his younger friend. “You don’t remember anything?” Seth asked. Stefon shook his head. “You left me a voicemail while we were doing the show. You were really messed up. I couldn’t understand a lot of what you were saying but you kept saying you didn’t feel good. I guess you went to my apartment looking for me because you left your jacket at my front door.” Stefon noticed at that moment that Seth was wearing said jacket -a military-style camo jacket, covered in various colors of paint splatter. It was heavy and not really the best at keeping you warm, but it looked good with black pants and black boots and almost any shirt Stefon wore. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I should of been.” Seth’s voice cracked. 

 

Stefon shook his head, immediately met by a sharp pain and a wave of nausea. “Nonono, Seth Meyers. This is not your fault. Stefon was being stupid. I do stupid things.”

 

“I tried to call you but you didn’t answer so I went to your apartment and that’s when I found you.” Seth took a shaky breath, remembering the way Stefon looked passed out on his kitchen floor, lips blue and unconscious. “Luckily you mentioned Purple Stuff in the voicemail, so the doctors knew what you were overdosing on. I’ve tried telling them it was an accident, I know you didn’t try to hurt yourself. I’m not sure if they believed me, though.”

 

Seth was playing with Stefon’s hand, touching the lighter strips of skin where his rings would normally be. Seth had the rings stacked on his own fingers. “Are you wearing all of my clothes or just the nice parts?” Stefon joked. “My boxers are missing. Any chance you’re wearing those?”

 

“ _ Stefon _ .” It was the first time Stefon had seen Seth smile since he woke up and it was glorious.

 

“I didn’t try to kill myself.” Stefon said more seriously. “I don’t remember much but I must have just overdone it.” He tried hard to remember what club he was at or what he took.

 

“I know you didn’t.” Seth was still playing with Stefon’s hand, not wanting to meet the younger man’s eyes. “You have to be more careful, Stefon. I know you party really hard a lot but.. buddy, you’re not invincible.” Seth finally met Stefon’s eyes. Both men’s were watery but they were searching within each other. Stefon broke the eye contact to look over the rest of Seth’s face. The tired lines around his eyes, the worry in his forehead, the way his pretty lips were bitten red with anxiety. 

 

“I want to kiss you.” Stefon whispered, thinking out loud.

 

Seth blushed and looked down. “I would have kissed you the moment you woke up but I had to watch them pump your stomach, so it might have to wait until you get your teeth brushed.” That would explain the awful taste in his mouth.

 

They were both silent for a while. Stefon was still tired and Seth was just glad to be in his presence, conscious and alive.

 

“Do you.. Do you remember when we were at a park? I don’t think we were in New York and it was hot outside.” Stefon asked after a few minutes, recalling some of the memories he had.

 

Seth thought for a long moment. “I think we were in New Hampshire. When we went on vacation for the summer, I took you to the park Josh and I used to go to as kids.”

 

“You had your first kiss there.” Stefon recalled somewhere in the conversation he wasn’t listening to enough that day. Seth nodded his head.

 

“Yup. Cindy Johnson. She was-”

 

“I don’t need  _ all  _ the juicy details of your torrid affairs, Seth Meyers.”

 

“I was like 13, Stefon.”

 

“When we were in Central Park.. It was snowing I think. You were yelling at someone.”

 

“Where are these coming from, Stefon?” Seth caught Stefon’s eyes. He held them there only for a moment before looking away.

 

“When… When I knew I was dying -when I could feel my heart starting to give up- I just starting thinking about you. A lot of the memories were fuzzy but I just wanted to think about you. If I was going to have one finally memory, I wanted it to be of you. Because I’m in love with you Seth Meyers.”

 

“Damnit.” Seth smiled up at the ceiling and sniffled. “You’ve got me crying again.” He took a deep breath and reached over, placing a kiss on Stefon’s forehead. “You slipped on the ice but I tried to catch you and ended up falling with you. It was a very cliche movie moment but I fell on top of you. Some asshole who had nothing better to do started yelling at us and calling you names. I was going to sock him right in the jaw but you pulled me away. You told me he wasn’t worth it.” Seth brought Stefon’s hand to his lips. “But you were worth it. You’ve always been worth it.”

 

Soon the sun was beginning to rise over New York. Light bounced off of skyscrapers and into the hospital room. Seth watched the way the light shined on Stefon’s sleeping face. He noticed how dark the circles under the club kid’s eyes were. He noticed the way his jaw tensed under the stubble starting to form on the younger man’s face. Seth just watched Stefon, like he had for many hours now. He watched the steady up and down of Stefon’s chest, so grateful for it. Seth thought back to when he found Stefon, how there was no up and down. How Seth couldn’t feel Stefon’s heart beat. He grabbed Stefon’s hand, warm and heavy in his. Seth decided in that moment that he wasn’t going to let go. He would hold Stefon’s hand through everything. Not because Stefon needed him to, but because Seth knew he’d never want to be anywhere else.

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by Without You by Oh Wonder


End file.
